Nothing is ever what it seems, especially things that are too perfect, and Aesop’s tales are too perfect. It makes sense to make them too perfect. I mean, look at it, if you want to teach kids a meaningful life lesson while keeping it simple, you have to iron a few things out. However, one story that always bugged me more than any other was the Hare and The Tortoise. So, we just accept the rabbit was the bad guy? Fuck you, rabbits are cute and cuddly! Tortoises are evil and live a bajallion years, nothing should live that long. I refuse to believe the story went as they want us to believe it went. I see right through their lies.
This is my take on it. This is my design.
So, Rabbit was a nice kid. Smart, fun, playful, athletic, probably had a way with the ladies. Instantly likeable guy, pumping full of endorphins from all the hopping around. Probably a bro, and bros are the best. The best!
Tortoise, now he was a mean, mean motherfucker. Hiding in that shell of his; probably plotting world domination for all we know. They live so long and are so slow, don’t tell me the thought about wiping out the rest of us doesn’t cross their mind every so often. Especially the way they must see us, weak and squishy. They probably want to squish us all.
And seeing as how Rabbit was squishy. Tortoise must’ve hated his guts. And seeing as how he was nice and likeable would have only made it much worse for Tortoise. He was jealous, probably had a thing for Rabbit’s girlfriend when they attended high school together. I mean what else would lead a tortoise to challenge a rabbit to a race?
Now the original story wants us to believe Rabbit was the one with the sin of pride. Total bullshit! It was Tortoise! See, he just couldn’t appreciate we all have different gifts and that we should all celebrate our differences, our individuality; because at the end of the day, it is what makes this world of ours so colorful.
No, Tortoise wanted to demean Rabbit’s gift. He burned with envy. Never mind he had a much longer life span, a wickedly cool shell to go with. He wanted to prove he could run even fucking faster than Rabbit. Typical douchebag.
Now, imagine a wimpy, slow kid asking you to a race? What do you do? If you’re a mean guy, you say, fucking no way in hell! You probably make fun of the wimpy kid. On the other hand if you’re a nice guy, you’d probably accept, and try not to embarrass him too much on the field. Which is exactly what Rabbit did. Seeing as he was the nice guy here.
However, like most nice guys, Rabbit was naïve and Tortoise as I mentioned before was an evil, evil motherfucker. Fuck evil, he was fucking diabolical. He was Satan in a shell! Have I emphasized enough on how fucking sinister Tortoise was? Moving on then.
Tortoise’s master plan was simple. Invite the whole kingdom to this freak show of a race, drug the rabbit and take the glory. Now do you see the simplicity of this nefarious master plan? Or are you still adamant enough to say that, the Rabbit simply happen to take a nap half way because he was too confident. He was fucking stoned! He had been drugged.
What happened next is actually sad. Rabbit was shattered. Not only was he humiliated, he was made out to be the cocky son-of-a-bitch douchebag. His girlfriend left him, he lost his Nike sponsorship and his athletic scholarship to the International Rabbit University. One race changed his life, made him a laughing stock of the community. To cope up with it, he started to abuse substance. Most probably started doing cocaine. Rabbits do cocaine, they have a thing for it.
See, kids. This is where being nice gets you. Fucked over and trampled on. When a motherfucking cunt acts like a motherfucking cunt by doing stupid stuff like a tortoise asking a rabbit for a race, you don’t be a nice guy. You give the motherfucking cunt, a motherfucking smack down. Or you’ll end up like Rabbit, on the street, like a fucking hobo. And more importantly, don’t do drugs. See even my version has a tangible message for the kids! And even more importantly learn to cherish your own gifts, however minute they seem; rather than burning with red hot envy for other people’s talents. See even though it seems Tortoise won, he was never truly happy, sociopaths like him never really are, and if you’re religious, I can probably tell you he went to the tortoise hell. They probably make some weird Chinese dish out of him over and over and Satan has it for an entrée. That makes sense, I think. Right, don’t do drugs.